Infertility has taught me that I am a coward (no, really, hear me out). I have always been an extremely private person. I don’t talk about my feelings with anyone unless I am forced to. I have battled the storm of infertility almost completely on my own. The only person that knows about our struggle is my husband (and only because he has no choice). None of our family or friends know that we are battling infertility (or even trying to conceive for that matter). I debated starting a physical journal vs a blog but I went with a blog because I was afraid someone may find my (physical) journal and reveal my secret.
I am ashamed to write that I have kept my struggles private because I am not brave enough to share them publicly. At first I kept infertility a secret because I thought it was temporary. No need to tell them we didn’t conceive this month because I know it will happen next month. After I realized this wasn’t a temporary situation, I still kept my infertility a secret. I finally asked myself one day, “what are you afraid of”?
The reason I am afraid to share my infertility struggles publicly is because I worry too much about what people think of me. I have always worried what others thought of me (I wish I wasn’t that way) and I can’t bare the thought of someone thinking I am inadequate because I can’t do what they can or because I don’t have what they have.
The reason I am afraid to share my infertility struggles with my closest friends and family is because I am afraid they will treat me differently. In high school, our softball coach openly admitted she was in a homosexual relationship. All of the softball team was extremely supportive of our coach and her relationship choices. However, we all subconsciously stopped changing in front of her. We stopped walking around half naked and utilized the robes in our lockers. You are probably thinking, “what does your high school softball coach have to do with your inability to share your infertility with friends”? I do not want my family and friends to treat me differently because I am infertile. I do not want them to fear talking about pregnancy in front of me or with me because they know my struggle. I do not want them to think that I will be upset with them for wanting to become pregnant. My family and friends are all pretty great and I know they would be there for me through the journey. I do not think that they would purposely treat me differently but subconsciously, I am afraid they would.
I am a coward because I would rather suffer alone than be judged or treated differently. I hate that I am this way but I am. For those of you who share your infertility struggle publicly (or any struggle for that matter), I applaud you. I commend you. I envy you.
“The greatest prison people live in, is the fear of what other people think”