New year, Same (Infertile) Me?

New year, new me? Or new year, same (infertile) me? This is my first blog post of 2019 so i thought that would be an appropriate way to start it. I have never been so happy to say goodbye to a year as I was 2018. 2018 was a long hard year for me. 2018 brought me: a PCOS and infertility diagnosis, more tests, pills, bloodwork, and tears than I can count, the one year mark of our TTC journey, and assistance from a fertility clinic.

As excited as I am for 2019 to be here, I have a feeling this might our hardest year yet. You see, the fertility clinic has already told me that they only let you pursue “timed intercourse” for about 6 cycles before they recommend you move on to more advanced measures. We have already had one completed cycle (October 2018) which leaves us with about 5 more attempts. That means this year will be the year we will have to make some big decisions on how we want to proceed (assuming we don’t conceive). Wish us luck! 💕

“Take a leap of faith and begin this wondrous new year by believing”- Sarah Ban Breathnach

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A Year From Now

I came across this quote a few days ago on Facebook, “A year from now, everything you are stressing about won’t even matter.”

Reading this quote instantly reminded me of this time last year. I remember snuggling my nephew on Christmas Eve, while listening to “Santa” put his gifts together. I couldn’t help but think, will I ever get to be Santa? Last Christmas I was 8 months in to this journey and I was just starting to realize something may really be wrong. And this Christmas? I am 1 year and 8 months in to this journey.

The thing I was stressing about a year ago is exactly the same as today. I realize this quote is appropriate for some situations but unfortunately, not mine.

When Santa Brings You A BFN

I don’t take pregnancy tests (I may have mentioned this before). I did for the first few months of TTC and then I quit. I couldn’t stand seeing the BFN month after month. I haven’t taken a home test in about 8 months or so. Usually my cycle shows up before I even think about testing. The only time I test now is if the fertility clinic chooses to do so.

My period is about 15 days late (which is no surprise due to my PCOS). I decided I would take a test because what better day to surprise my hubs than Christmas? I imagined myself wrapping the test and giving it to my husband in front of our family. Of course, it was negative. Now I remember why I don’t test. I have never felt so sad on Christmas Day.

My Husband

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When we started dating 10 years ago, I had no idea we would end up where we are today. We have built a life together that most people dream of and for that I am thankful.

My heart is so full when it comes to you. I have come to realize that even if god doesn’t give us a child, I am still lucky because he gave me you. I promise to never let what I am missing interfere with what I have been given.

You are the most important part of my journey, because you have carried me through it.

Lauren

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The day after my PCOS diagnosis, I told my best friend Lauren about my fertility struggles. I told her last April that we were going to try for a baby (because I was so excited and I had no f-ing clue it would take this long) and then I just never mentioned it again. I didn’t have to mention it again because I know she knew we were struggling. That’s the thing about friends, they know what we are going through, even when we are silent. Lauren knew I would talk about it when I was ready and that day came in January 2018.

When we were kids playing house with our baby dolls, we never imagined we would have to go down this road. I say we because you have gone down this road with me. You have kept up with my doctors appointments (even made them for me on occasion), you have listened to me when I needed to talk, and you have constantly reminded me that things are going to work out. I am so thankful God put you in my life, 26+ years ago.

Count on me through think and thin 
A friendship I will never end
When you are weak, I will be strong
Helping you to carry on 
Call on me, I will be there
Don’t be afraid
Please believe me when I say
Count on...”-Whitney Houston/CeCe Winans

*This song came to my mind for the first time in 20+ years, while writing this post. Fun fact: it was sang at our 6th grade graduation. ❤️

Amber

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Amber was one of the first people to know about my struggle with infertility. I messaged her for the first time in June 2017, to ask about her experience with Clomid. I was so nervous to talk to Amber because we are both from the same small town and I was so worried about people finding out. Amber immediately told me that I could come to her with any questions and that everything said to her would be kept confidential (and to this day it has).

Amber and her husband were high school sweethearts who struggled with infertility for 5 years before conceiving their miracle baby via IVF (after multiple failed IUI’s and one failed round of IVF). Amber was one of the first people I knew who talked about infertility publicly. Needless to say, I knew who to go to when I had fertility medication questions.

I admire Amber for the strength she displayed throughout her infertility journey. I admire her for being so open about her journey. I admire her for her eagerness to help those struggling with infertility. I.admire.her.

“I don’t want my pain and struggle to make me a victim. I want my battle to make me someone else’s hero.” –a quote I sent Amber a few months ago.

Meghan

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I met Meghan through Facebook in May 2017, just one month into my ttc journey. Meghan and I were both members of the same PCOS Facebook group. Meghan made a post with questions about the medication Clomid because she was starting it the next day. I immediately pmed Meghan because I was set to start Clomid on the same day and I needed someone to talk to about it (because I wasn’t brave enough to post it publicly in the group). We instantly bonded over PCOS and our desires to be a mother.

Meghan and her husband had been TTC for a little over two years when we became friends in 2017. Last month, after a round of IVF, Meghan found out she was PREGNANT! I am so excited for her and I can’t think of anyone more deserving of this than her.

Meghan has helped me in so many ways throughout this journey. She is one of the only people I have shared my real emotions and fears with. She actually is the only person I have ever shared this blog with. If you are reading this Meghan, I am so thankful my path crossed yours.

New friends are like new adventures. You never know what lessons they will teach you.”