Someone Who Doesn’t Deserve a Baby

I will never understand why God gives babies to people who don’t deserve them. Throughout this journey, I have connected with hundreds of women who are desperate to be a mother. Instead of giving these women a baby to love and cherish, God gives a baby to someone like this??

I try really hard to not be angry with God about infertility but how can you not be angry when you see something like this?

I will never understand why people like this are given the opportunity to be a mother but I am not.

When I read this article tonight, I prayed that God would help me understand why he gives a baby to someone who doesn’t deserve it. I prayed this because let’s face it, I DO NOT UNDERSTAND.

http://www.crimeonline.com/2018/07/14/mom-agrees-to-sell-2-year-old-daughter-into-prostitution-promises-man-sex-with-toddler-for-1200/

http://www.crimeonline.com/2018/07/15/11-week-old-boy-dies-after-through-breast-milk-cops/mom-transfers-meth-other-drugs-

http://www.crimeonline.com/2018/07/12/mom-who-couldnt-remember-where-she-left-her-baby-boy-faces-manslaughter-charges-after-infant-found-dead-in-woods/

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The Fertility Clinic-Our First Visit

We had our first appointment at the fertility clinic last week and it left me feeling hopeful (Part of me wonders if everyone leaves feeling that way? Is that the fertility doctors job? To make us feel better about the situation? Or will they be honest and tell us the real truth?). Anyway, We finally have a treatment plan in place!

Our appointment began with a meeting with our new doctor. He was kind and thorough. He explained everything in detail and gave me honest answers. He seems to think that even with PCOS, we shouldn’t have to result to the “big tools” as he calls them. He believes we should get pregnant with a combination of medications and timed intercourse. The doctor told me I should try “light” dieting (nothing extreme) and that my husband should cut back on his tobacco usage. He also recommended my first step to be a HSG test (which I am terrified of).

After meeting with the doctor, my husband and I went our separate ways; I went to have a vaginal ultrasound and Pap smear and he went to do the semen analysis.

After those were done, we met with the Nurse Practitioner and she went over our actual treatment plan. We will start progesterone to jump start my period and then I will take letrzole to help with ovulation. I will take 1500 mg of metformin to help as well. I will have the HSG test once my cycle starts and then I will return on CD 14 for labs and ultrasound to check the follicles. If all goes as planned, we will be sent home to “get busy” for the next three days.

My lab work results came back and my thyroid levels are off and my vitamin d. So I will also start taking synthroid and vitamin d supplements.

I’ll be honest, I warned my husband before going in that I would probably leave crying. I just imagined myself having a breakdown while sitting in there. I must say, things went the opposite way. We laughed while waiting on the doctor to come in. We laughed on the way home about the awkward semen analysis. Overall it went along better than I imagined.

Pregnant Sims??

My secret guilty pleasure: playing The Sims Freeplay on my phone. Yes, the computer game from the 90’s has made its way to the App Store. This is one of my favorite ways to pass the time while waiting at the doctors office.

Today, there was a huge sims update. I was so excited to open the game and see what it was. ****drum roll*** Your sims can now get PREGNANT! Are you freaking kidding me?? Even my sims can get pregnant and I can’t. Every time I open the game that I enjoy playing as an escape from reality, I am now faced with pregnant bellies and ultrasound pictures. Who knew The Sims could make you ugly cry? I think I will find another way to occupy my free time.

Reality?

I often find myself wondering if I am really infertile. What if I am just not trying hard enough? What if I don’t know enough about the ovulation process? Maybe we aren’t “getting busy” enough? Maybe I should buy more expensive OPKs?

I read that denial is one of the 5 stages of grief. I think these questions are a reflection of denial against my infertility. Do you ever question if this is really your reality?

Halfway Through

How is it already June?! How are we already half way through the year? When you are trying to conceive, realizing you are halfway through the year can be depressing.

Halfway through the year means you have about 6 more chances to try before next year (assuming you have regular cycles). If you have irregular cycles (🙋🏼‍♀️) you have less than that. Half a year seems like a long time but in terms of baby making, its only a few more tries.

“I wish I would have met you sooner, so I could have loved you longer.”

One of Those Moments

I had one of those moments yesterday. You know those moments when you physically can’t catch your breath? Those moments when the tears start flowing and they just won’t stop? Those moments when you feel your heart shatter into a million pieces? I had one of those moments yesterday.

I was digging through my hope chest when I came across something that stopped me in my tracks: my husband’s baby book. I have seen his baby book before but this was my first time laying eyes on it since we started our journey through infertility. I hesitated to open it but I couldn’t resist.

The pages were covered in photos of the cutest brown eyed little boy I have ever seen. I smiled as I turned the first few pages. My first thought was, “I can’t wait to have a beautiful brown eyed baby like him” and then it hit me. I may never have a beautiful brown eyed baby like him. I may never have a baby who is half me and half the person I love, or a baby at all for that matter. If the thought of that doesn’t break your damn heart, I don’t know what will.

“When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.”-Isaiah 43:2

WordPress Friends?!?!

I joined WordPress a few days ago in hopes of sharing my struggle with infertility. If you read my recent blog post (I am a coward) then you know I do not talk to anyone about my infertility struggle. I started a blog so I would have a way to get my thoughts out of my head. I didn’t really care if anyone read my blog, I just needed a healthy way to express myself.

I had no idea WordPress would help me connect with people who are struggling just.like.me. People who are kind and understanding. People who want to make you feel better about yourself.

Reading blog posts from people who are in the same situation as me has brought so much peace to my life. I now know that I am not alone and I do have people to talk to.

If you are one of the “WordPress friends” I have connected with recently, I want to say thank you. Thank you for reading. Thank you for sharing. Thank you for making me realize I am not alone.

“We rise by lifting others” -Robert Ingersoll