My secret guilty pleasure: playing The Sims Freeplay on my phone. Yes, the computer game from the 90’s has made its way to the App Store. This is one of my favorite ways to pass the time while waiting at the doctors office.
Today, there was a huge sims update. I was so excited to open the game and see what it was. ****drum roll*** Your sims can now get PREGNANT! Are you freaking kidding me?? Even my sims can get pregnant and I can’t. Every time I open the game that I enjoy playing as an escape from reality, I am now faced with pregnant bellies and ultrasound pictures. Who knew The Sims could make you ugly cry? I think I will find another way to occupy my free time.
I often find myself wondering if I am really infertile. What if I am just not trying hard enough? What if I don’t know enough about the ovulation process? Maybe we aren’t “getting busy” enough? Maybe I should buy more expensive OPKs?
I read that denial is one of the 5 stages of grief. I think these questions are a reflection of denial against my infertility. Do you ever question if this is really your reality?
How is it already June?! How are we already half way through the year? When you are trying to conceive, realizing you are halfway through the year can be depressing.
Halfway through the year means you have about 6 more chances to try before next year (assuming you have regular cycles). If you have irregular cycles (🙋🏼♀️) you have less than that. Half a year seems like a long time but in terms of baby making, its only a few more tries.
“I wish I would have met you sooner, so I could have loved you longer.”
I had one of those moments yesterday. You know those moments when you physically can’t catch your breath? Those moments when the tears start flowing and they just won’t stop? Those moments when you feel your heart shatter into a million pieces? I had one of those moments yesterday.
I was digging through my hope chest when I came across something that stopped me in my tracks: my husband’s baby book. I have seen his baby book before but this was my first time laying eyes on it since we started our journey through infertility. I hesitated to open it but I couldn’t resist.
The pages were covered in photos of the cutest brown eyed little boy I have ever seen. I smiled as I turned the first few pages. My first thought was, “I can’t wait to have a beautiful brown eyed baby like him” and then it hit me. I may never have a beautiful brown eyed baby like him. I may never have a baby who is half me and half the person I love, or a baby at all for that matter. If the thought of that doesn’t break your damn heart, I don’t know what will.
“When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.”-Isaiah 43:2
I joined WordPress a few days ago in hopes of sharing my struggle with infertility. If you read my recent blog post (I am a coward) then you know I do not talk to anyone about my infertility struggle. I started a blog so I would have a way to get my thoughts out of my head. I didn’t really care if anyone read my blog, I just needed a healthy way to express myself.
I had no idea WordPress would help me connect with people who are struggling just.like.me. People who are kind and understanding. People who want to make you feel better about yourself.
Reading blog posts from people who are in the same situation as me has brought so much peace to my life. I now know that I am not alone and I do have people to talk to.
If you are one of the “WordPress friends” I have connected with recently, I want to say thank you. Thank you for reading. Thank you for sharing. Thank you for making me realize I am not alone.
“We rise by lifting others” -Robert Ingersoll
Over the last year, I have prayed a lot. I mean A LOT. I have prayed that God will bless us with a child. I have prayed that God will show me a sign if it’s not meant to be. I have prayed so many prayers I couldn’t possibly list them all. However, the most common prayer I have prayed is “if not for me, then do it for him”. You see, My husband is amazing. I truly believe he hung the moon. He is everything I am not. He is kind, funny, selfless, and patient. He works so hard for our family and I know he will spoil our future child just as he spoils me. He deserves to have all of his dreams come true.
I often wonder what type of mother I will be but I never wonder what type of father he will be. I KNOW he will be the best father. I am sad that I may never get to be a mother but I am devastated that he may never get to be a father. I would take all of the hurt if it meant he didn’t have to feel one ounce of sadness. He shouldn’t have to suffer because my body is broken.
God, please bless us with a baby. If not for me, then do it for him. ❤️
Infertility has taught me that I do not have control of everything in my life. I have been a spoiled “princess” my entire life (no seriously, ask my mom). I have basically gotten everything I have ever wanted from the time I was born until now. Not only have I always gotten what I wanted, I also got it WHEN I wanted it (Occasionally my parents would make me wait until my birthday or Christmas to get more expensive items). When I wanted to buy a house, we bought a house. When I wanted a new car, I got a new car. When I wanted to go on vacation to New York, we went on vacation to New York. Infertility taught me quickly that things aren’t always up to me. I don’t get to say if or when I will have a child. The decision is not up to my mom, my brother, my husband, or any of the other people I have always been able to persuade into letting me get my way.